I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
