she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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