Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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