So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
