I wish my penis had an off switch
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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