my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
