Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
