make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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