peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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