cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
