Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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