I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
