Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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