A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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