Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
