omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
