Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
