I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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