i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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