STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
