I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize