If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
