What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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