I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
