They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
