My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
