I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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