you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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