i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
That was before I lit my hair on fire
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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