he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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