I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
