You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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