masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
