I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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