I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
