eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
