There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
