don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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