Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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