Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize