i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
