All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
