1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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