you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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