saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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