Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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