now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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