omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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