im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
