just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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