ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
