If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
