shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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