I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
