What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
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