At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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